Healing with Kindness
From tragedy emerges a movement
By Liz Renner
Three years ago, as an eighth-grader, Reid Adler made a mistake. He texted something he should not have.
The mistake snowballed, and by the next school year, Reid found himself on the receiving end of social media bullying. It escalated to a point he could no longer bear.
Not knowing how to handle the situation, Reid took his life. His parents, Joni and Mark Adler, were aware of bullies, the influence of social media and teenage angst. But the tragedy that befell their son forced them to adjust their perspective. (Adler family pictured, from left: daughter Jade, wife, Joni; daughter Kamille; Mark Adler; son, Reid.).
“I wish I’d taught him about how kind and caring he was,” Mark Adler says. “We talk about leadership and courage, but do we ask our kids if they are proud of the things they’re doing?
“I didn’t.”
Adler, a UNO graduate, is in a position to help change that as superintendent of Ralston Public Schools. He sees firsthand the pressure kids are under today. And despite his own loss, he’s managed to find sympathy for the kids who do the bullying.
“They’re struggling,” Adler says. “They’re looking for a way to fill a void.
“Young people see what we do, they see us tear each other apart online, and that is the example they have.”
According to a recent study in the Journal of the American Medical Association, children who are bullied are more than twice as likely to consider suicide. That’s distressing given that suicide is the third-leading cause of death for youth ages 10-24, per the Centers for Disease Control. That comes to approximately 4,600 deaths per year. And it’s on the rise.
#BeKind
Many factors go into the why of suicide, but social media use and abuse generates plenty of discussion as a factor. The Adlers determined to bring what good they could from their own tragedy — and social media has played a role in the healing.
After Reid’s death, loved ones offered to fundraise for scholarships in his name. As part of their efforts they created t-shirts with “#BeKind” printed across the back to honor Reid who, Adler says, “was just a very kind kid.” Reid’s football team jumped in and sold #BeKind car clings.
Soon, #BeKind took on a life of its own. Items printed with the hashtag were in great demand. Mark and Joni began giving presentations about social media safety and suicide awareness.
Around the same time, UNO graduate Jim Sutfin, a good friend of the Adlers and superintendent of Millard Public Schools, attended a conference in Tennessee. He was inspired by the positive reaction of Nashville-area schools to a series of teen suicides.
“They spearheaded a community-wide conversation and ‘Be Nice’ was what they adopted,” Sutfin says. “I thought about the Adlers and their ‘Be Kind” efforts.’”
Sutfin approached the Adlers and suggested they use #BeKind to initiate a conversation within the schools and the larger community. Mark and Joni loved the idea.
Metro area school districts, community colleges, UNO and other universities and even the City of Omaha embraced the idea. With the Adlers and Sutfin spearheading the push, the 2018-19 school year kicked off Aug. 24 as official #BeKind Day.
“Kids get put in time out. Employees have thick manuals of what they can’t or shouldn’t do,” Sutfin says. “But with #BeKind we’re just saying lift each other, help someone.”
Sutfin believes people of all ages are craving kindness. “Nothing heals more than doing something for someone else or making someone feel they belong,” he says.
Teaching Kindness
UNO professor Ferial Pearson isn’t surprised by the embrace of the #BeKind movement. As a teacher at Omaha’s South High School she performed an experiment in 2013 that led to her doctoral dissertation and a book, “Secret Kindness Agents: How Small Acts of Kindness Really Can Change the World.”
Pearson was curious to see the impact of kindness education in upper grades, so she created a project she eventually called Secret Kindness Agents. She challenged her students to accept kindness “missions” and perform anonymous acts of kindness. Within her initial class of agents in 2013 she found varying degrees of change — all positive.
Like the #BeKind movement, Secret Kindness Agents has been adopted by others because teachers and administrators are able to use the concept within their own context. The project is in more than 400 schools, reaching as far as Canada and Spain. Even Lady Gaga's Born This Way Foundation has featured it.
“They are yearning for it,” Pearson says. “They’re seeing mean girls, kids bullying each other or beating up on themselves. And this kindness stuff is fun to do.”
Studies show kindness can bring about healing — physical, mental and more. Just witnessing an act of kindness produces oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the “love hormone,” which aids in lowering blood pressure and improves overall heart-health.”
Pearson witnessed and has since received feedback from other Secret Kindness Agent campaigns that kids and teachers feel better. They report to her that performing kind acts has led to a general improvement in their well-being.
Saving grace
Adler hopes for the same kind of impact from #BeKind.
“It’ll be three years since we lost Reid, and this movement is the little bit we get of him to live on,” Adler says, “We’ve talked to over 25,000 people through our presentations and I know it has an impact and even saved some young folks.”
“Mark and Joni are heroes to me.” Sutfin says. “To take the grief they’ve experienced and turn that to a focus on kindness, I’m in awe of them.”
Adler says their faith has helped his family navigate the pain, as have people close to him.
“We spend so much time in the bad so we’ve trained ourselves now to always ask “And where is the good?”
He’s finding it one kind act at a time.
BECOMING AN AGENT OF KINDNESS
Dr. Pearson’s Tips for Integrating More Kindness Into Your Life:
1. Start by being kind to yourself. Once we give ourselves grace for the things we’ve done, it becomes easier to do the same for others.
2. Determine one thing you’ll change about your own behavior each day that will lead to kindness towards someone else. For example, set a goal to look up and smile at every person you see for one entire day.
3. Call people out for the good things they do. For example, write a note to an unsung hero in your life.
4. Practice giving compliments that are not based on physical appearances. Look someone in the face and compliment something about their personality or what you enjoy about their character.
5. Kindness doesn’t need to cost anything. It takes 30 seconds to hold a door open or to include someone in a conversation.